This article is a rare departure from my realm of sports. It’s not motivated by anything other than my embarrassment for being judged by a piece of technology (rather accurately I might add), and because the beauty of Entry Revel is that I can write about whatever I want and in the words of the great Adam Sandler, “you will listen to every damn word I have to say!”
For my birthday my darling wife got me an Apple Watch. I asked for it and was excited to get it because I’d heard good things and thought it would come in handy given my propensity to fly around by the seat of my pants. I was pretty excited to get notifications of texts, e-mails and calendar appointments through a slight vibration on my wrist. And I definitely was excited to download the Yahoo Fantasy Football app and get notifications on my watch so that I no longer had to feel like an asshole checking my phone while out for lunch on a Sunday with my in-laws (for the record that app was the first thing I downloaded). What I didn’t know, was that the watch would also take its first opportunity to give me an underhanded insult and call me a fat, lazy, piece of shit.
For those that don’t know, the watch has an ‘Activity’ function/app that helps you set and track daily activity goals (how many calories you want to burn, how much exercise you get, and how many hours during the day you stand for at least 1 minute). They all seem straight-forward and easy enough to achieve. It gives you a little buzz on the wrist with daily progress updates, and if you’ve been sitting for the first 50 minutes of a given hour the watch will tell you to ‘Stand up and move around for 1 minute’. I’m all for not developing blood clots, so I was on board. To my surprise, after the 1st week the watch gave me a ‘weekly progress report’ in which it suggested I lower my calorie goal because I wasn’t achieving it. Initially the watch determines your goal based on your age, height and weight. Well it was now suggesting that I cut my goal in half, from 720 to 360 calories.
Let me get this straight…you’re telling me that I’m so lazy that after 1 week, my watch has already cut its goals and expectations for me in half?!?! F**k you watch! Only my wife, my closest friends and family, and of course myself, get to joke about how lazy I am! Talk about motivation. It’s one thing to look at yourself in the mirror and realize you have a sedentary lifestyle and need to get off your ass and be more active. But it’s a kick in the balls when a piece of technology is doing that based on 1 weeks’ worth of analysis. Message received Apple Watch. Oh, and to whoever at Apple headquarters receives my death threat…I apologize. It wasn’t intended for you…it was meant for this insolent piece of stainless steel/aluminum currently on my wrist.