1 month in, who are the 2015 Boston Red Sox?

Disclaimer for any Yankee fan dumb enough to click on this despite the article name: 

“We don’t care if you’re in first place.  Your team is garbage.  Go fuck yourself.”

– Love, every single Sox fan

We’re a little more than one month into the 2015 baseball season and it’s fair to start making judgments about this team.  Here are my assessments in no particular order:

1) Hanley Ramirez is a FUCKING MAN.  Don’t care if he can’t play left field, frankly I don’t care if he pulls a Manny and takes a piss in the Green Monstah between innings.  If he keeps bashing the ball like this he can do whatever the hell he wants…and I think John Farrell agrees.  With that said, if Major League Baseball has any brains whatsoever they’d be sending someone over to Landsdowne Street to give Hanley a “random” drug test.  I mean c’mon…the dude is jacked and he lives right next door to Manny in Miami during the offseason.  I don’t think he’s swinging by to borrow some sugar; if he’s not on steroids then the Red Sox strength and conditioning staff are massively underpaid.

Hanley1
Hanley added some “muscle” this offseason….his motto: “not now chief, I’m in the fucking zone”

2) This whole “We have five #1 starters” spiel is complete and utter bullshit.  That’s not a newsflash to anyone.  That statement was pretty comical when Farrell first made it this spring, but WOW, even I didn’t expect it to be THIS bad.  What the Sox really have is four #5 starters and 1 starter who doesn’t even deserve to be pitching in AA Portland right now (sorry Justin Masterson).  I didn’t drink the kool aid when they tried to shove it down our throats all spring, but man…their pitching staff is a steaming pile of dog shit.  It’s one guy after another throwing up soft crap, afraid to challenge any hitters.  At this point I’m praying for Buchholz to get injured because if I have to watch him take the mound every 5th day with his douchey wet hair, I will gouge my eyes out with the closest pointy instrument I can find (currently a paper clip).

3) They need help in the bullpen.  Granted it’s not entirely fair to judge the bullpen after a stretch where the starters were hanging them out to dry by never making it through five innings, but still.  Aside from Tazawa and Koji there is not a single guy in that pen who you can have any confidence in handing the ball to in a key situation.  Bringing Edward Mujica into the game with men on base is just conceding those runs – I would honestly trade that guy for a bucket of balls (that would be considered trade rape by the Sox if a team agreed to it).

4) The defense is mediocre at best.  The Sox caught a bad break when they lost Christian Vasquez right before the season started, as he would have given them a big boost behind the plate and in limiting the running game by the opponents.  Add to that a fat ass panda playing third base, the aforementioned lazy bastard playing LF (again who smashes the cover off the ball – so he’s forgiven) and a general lack of athleticism across the rest of the diamond (with exception of Mookie Betts in CF).  The end result is mediocrity.

Fat-Pablo-Sandoval-Red-Sox-Spring-Training

To summarize, what does this team have to show for the 4th highest payroll in MLB?  A good offense that will need to score 6 or 7 runs every game to have a shot at winning, arguably the worst starting rotation in all of baseball, a bullpen currently anchored by a 41 year-old closer who barely hits 89mph on the radar gun, and a defense anchored (literally) by the Kung-Fu Panda at third base.  They better add some beer taps at the Cask n’ Flagon because it’s going to be another long summer of ugly baseball.

pablo-sandoval-fat-boston-red-sox-bad-contract-mlb
Maintaining this body is a year-round commitment

If you look at the last four years for this franchise and ignore what was an amazing but absurdly fluky 2013 season, it’s like the Red Sox and Kansas City Royals swapped spots in the baseball universe.  It might be the first week of May, but I’m not expecting any meaningful baseball games this September.  That leaves me with just one question:  “When does Patriots mini camp start?”  Let’s go Pats.

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